The Dempsey Difference-Four Years!

Hard to believe it's been four years since the Dempsey Difference (see the tab above). In SO many ways, I'm a different person and yet, in many ways, I'm exactly the same.

I'm MUCH more aware of how my words and actions (good and bad) can affect others, and I live with a deeper level of thankfulness that I really don't think I had back then.

However, I still struggle with those same doubts, those same insecurities, that I dealt with four years ago. Only, I have something that I didn't have UNTIL four years ago. A point of reference. I have someone, with a similar story, who was where I was that I can refer to anytime those doubts and insecurities get too loud. I can look at him, be reminded of his story, be reminded that I'm not alone, and suddenly, the loudness of everything else fades. THAT'S what Patrick Dempsey did for me four years ago, and has done for me every single day since.

I debated whether or not to even post about it tonight, because while September 29th is a day that will always have significance to me, I've struggled a lot with the fact that people really don't seem to care. They don't seem to get it. All along I kept telling myself that what I went through in college, MUST have been meant to serve a purpose. I told myself when I came out of it on the other side that this story would help someone else some day. I don't know if that's the case, but I pray it is.

I know there are those that stopped reading this entry the minute they saw the word "Dempsey" in the title, because they think I'm just some fan girl, just another fan who's crazy about Patrick Dempsey.

I'm slowly coming to realize that it doesn't matter who "gets it" or doesn't, it doesn't matter if people believe me or they don't. What other people think doesn't make what Patrick did for me any less real. Whether people believe it or not doesn't change the truth of what is now my story. It doesn't change the fact that without Patrick Dempsey, I would be a statistic right now.

Four years ago today Patrick Dempsey saved my life. He was the answer to my prayer. He was my reminder that God had not forgotten about me. Patrick Dempsey is my hero and there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for him.

I still pray daily that the day will come when I'll be able to thank Patrick face to face, but until that day comes (and even after that day is done) I'll continue to pray that my story might help someone else.

No Dreaming Outloud

I wish my dream were one I could talk freely about without feeling embarrassed or like I was being judged.

That's all. Carry on. :)

I Wonder.....

There are certain things I know:

God loves me. God doesn't make mistakes, God saw me before I was born and knit me together.

I know all of this things. I say these truths to many people, but ya know, even knowing these I find myself lately saying, "I wonder....." I wonder what my life would be like if I had been born WITHOUT Cerebral Palsy and able to walk.

I wonder if I would be married by now or if I would have kids.

I wonder if I would be in L.A. pursing my dream of working in the entertainment industry. Television is my passion, I love it. I love writing about it, reading about it, analyzing every bit of my favorite show, every character, every song choice. I wonder if I didn't have CP where I would be right now in terms of that and what I would be doing.

I wonder if my dream of meeting and thanking Patrick Dempsey would have happened. Had I been physically able, I would be able to get on a plane by myself, fly to a race that he was at and meet him like everyone else does. My disability complicates that. It's funny, in most every other situation, I stick out like a sore thumb because of my CP, but when it comes to trying to meet Patrick Dempsey, I blend right in and I'm just another fan...Nobody pays attention, nobody cares. When I WANT to stick out, I blend in.

I wonder if my parents ever wonder what life would be like if I didn't have CP, I wonder if they're dreams for me flew out the window when I was born two and a half months early. I wonder if they're disappointed because I'm NOT married, and DON'T have kids, and a decent job. I wonder if they wish things were different.

I wonder if Alexis is ever bothered by the fact that the girls on her softball team stares at me every time I'm at a softball game, I wonder if it bothers her that I'm not the Aunt that can pick her and her brother up and take them to the movies, or out for ice cream.

I wonder once more if I truly AM okay mentally or if I AM "slow" because of my CP. I wonder if I behave differently than others and no one tells me because they just chalk it up to my CP. I've noticed this fear has caused me to become a lot more self conscience and somewhat quieter because I don't want to say or do something stupid and once again, get stared at.

I wonder if my CP is the reason I look fifteen instead of 28 and if that is the reason I've never really had a serious romantic relationship.

And I know, believe me I KNOW that WITHOUT Cerebral Palsy I wouldn't have met some of the people and had some of the experiences that I've had, which is why I said many times that in many was my Cerebral Palsy has been a blessing, but I can't pretend I DON'T think about what life would be like to be physically able.

I wonder.....I wonder so many things. Sometimes it just really STINKS to be disabled, and I hate it! I try to remember the fact that God sees the big picture and on the day that He calls me Home, He will show me why, and I will wonder no more...It will all make PERFECT sense.

The Big 2-8 (B-Day Blog)

As of 2:10 pm this afternoon, I was 28 years old!

My day was great! My aunt called before 8 this morning and because I was still asleep, I let my voicemail get it. She left me the sweetest voicemail talking about how 28 yrs ago I had everyone in a tizzy and how my entrance in to the world was exciting to say the least... (I was born two and a half months early....Exciting is an understatement! LOL).

My parents both sang to me as I entered the living room which was humorous and sweet at the same time. A big dinner out was planned for later in the evening but Mom said she'd take me by somewhere to grab a bite for lunch (Dad was going to mow). I chose Taco Bell. We got there and I ordered my two tacos, mom orders her food and we get it and pull into a space in the parking lot to eat. I start handing out food and find that I only have one taco. Mom offers to go back through and get me another, but I have an order of cinnamon twists as well so I just eat what I have. I then open my straw and find that it's only opened at one end! I look at Mom and tell her I hope this isn't a sign for how my year is going to go! LOL!!

Dad had a meeting late this afternoon so instead of feeling rushed to eat, I opted for us to go eat after his meeting so we made plans to meet my sister and her family at the restaurant at 7:30. That gave us most of the afternoon to just do our own thing.

Dinner was fun! Mom and I got there before my dad (who was on his way back from his meeting) and my sister's family so we went ahead and ordered our drinks and chips and salsa while we waited. Kimberly and the rest of the crew arrived and I was greeted with the SWEETEST hugs from both Alexis and Austin! Lexi said, "You're FINALLY 28 Nat-Nat!!!" LOL! And of course, they both wanted to sit next to me (normally, it's my Mom they want...Tonight, it was me). I was in Heaven...Lexi would lean over and kiss me and then Austin would follow. It was so sweet!

After dinner we all headed back to our house and I opened my gifts...I got two books I'd asked for: "Marked for Life" about one of the students who survived the Columbine shootings and how it changed and deepened her faith. And "Always Looking Up" by Michael J. Fox which is a follow up to his first book "Lucky Man" Looking forward to reading those, but it will be AFTER I finish my current read which is "The Art of Racing in the Rain" that a friend sent me for my birthday. I think it might be my new favorite....I can't get enough of it and I can totally understand why one of my friends said she read it in one sitting...It's THAT good!

I also got the first season of "Designing Women" (Kimberly and I LOVED that show growing up) the third season of Friday Night Lights, and the first two seasons of "E.R." (I'm going to start trying to get all of those seasons now). I got a beautiful rod iron picture frame holder from Kimberly and her family with "FAITH" in the middle of it and you put different pictures in the different frames around the word. I LOVE it! It'll go perfect in my room! And Justin and Lexi made me some homemade chocolate chip cookies last night and brought me some of those too...YUM! And Tazzie even got me a card! Love my Tazzie Mae! :)

After gifts we went into the kitchen...Mom had made my favorite honeybun cake! I'm really surprised I like it as much as I do because it's really sweet and I'm not much of a sweet eater. But this is my favorite....Tastes just like a honeybun! We put three candles on the cake (one for Lexi to blow out, one for Austin to blow out, and one for me) They sang, I made my wish, and then we all had cake! Once the kids were hyped up on sugar (LOL!) they went home.

No, there wasn't any Dempsey Dream breakthrough...I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed, but someone else needed that miracle tonight more than I did. I know God's timing is perfect and I have to keep believing that my day will come...I do think I'm a lot closer now BECAUSE of the prayers I've prayed asking for a miracle then I would be if I HADN'T prayed them, so who knows....Hopefully soon I'll be blogging all about how my dream finally came true...

It was a great birthday! I'm SO blessed to have the incredible family that I do and the most amazing friends. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all of the Facebook messages, texts, phone calls, and e-mails!!

I look forward to sharing the next year with you through this blog...Love you all!

How to Pray for A Miracle....

Anybody got any ideas on how to pray for a miracle? Maybe a "breakthrough" is a better way of putting it, but even getting THAT would be a miracle in itself!

Saturday is my 28th birthday and I keep thinking how incredible it would be to get a breakthrough....SOME type of SOMETHING on my Dempsey Dream. So, I've been praying....For a miracle!

And it just seems like I keep repeating the same things over and over as I pray because I don't know where exactly things stand as far as my dream is concerned so I don't really know HOW to pray for it or WHAT to pray for except for what I've been praying.

Sooo....I keep praying. Believing that because He IS a God of miracles....That I WILL get a birthday breakthrough.

Care to pray with me in this?

Is the Dream Too Big?

So, I know I said I was "Dreaming in Silence" (see a few posts below) but I just can't tonight. This is a difficult dream to give up on and I need some place to..... do whatever it is writing does that makes me feel better. Isn't that what a blog is for in the first place? So, if you're getting tired of all the ramblings about me wanting to meet Patrick, just skip this entry, okay?

I can't sleep tonight. Perhaps it's the stop I made to Starbucks after dinner tonight that's helping me not sleep, but whatever the cause, sleep isn't coming right now but other thoughts are.

I keep thinking how totally unrealistic my dream to meet Patrick is. I mean, let's look at the facts here, shall we?

* Most of the people if not ALL of the people I've read about that have met Patrick seems to have been at "right place at the right time." I can't simply look up his race schedule and say, "hey, let's go to that race! First off, he doesn't attend every race due to GA (I'd probably show up to the ONE race he wasn't attending) and second. I can't drive so that means my parents would have to get me there. There would have to be something MAJOR to convince them to do that...Oh yeah, third...Money. I've saved for three years and the amount I have probably wouldn't even cover plane tickets.

* Then there are those that get those set tours of GA...Good night nurse, talk about a DREAM...I get that they're probably not all they're cracked up to be, but who cares....Patrick Dempsey AND Ellen Pompeo and the chance to meet BOTH...Wow! Not to mention Chandra Wilson...She ROCKS!

* But then there comes to mind another question: What makes me SO special that Patrick would even WANT to meet me? Okay, I know how totally negative that sounds, but hear me out: He's got SO many fans, SO many people want to meet him, I'm just one in a sea of faces out there. What is it about me that would make him say, "Yeah, I want to hear your story..."

* I live in Texas. In a small city. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to me...Granted, I've never had something I wanted this badly either.

People say, "Dream Big" and I doubt when they say that they're thinking, "dream of meeting a celebrity..." they're thinking, "dream of becoming something." "dream of finding that cure for Cancer or a solution for homelessness" "Dream BIG THINGS" I know plenty of people that don't think this is big enough, but to ME...It IS big because for this to happen...It's going to take something big happening....It would take a medium sized miracle.

Everyone is told when they are little... "You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do." I believed that. When you're young, you believe that. Then you get older and the world becomes a world of "can't."

"You can't have that job because you're not qualified."
"You can't do that because you're not strong enough."
"You can't meet Patrick Dempsey because your disability won't let you..."

So, for me...Meeting Patrick Dempsey IS dreaming big because the reality of the situation screams at me. The odds don't look good and I know that, but I want that faith back I had as a little girl....That anything IS possible and that dreams DO come true!

I know people right now who are making plans to go to a race of Patrick's in a few months with plans on saying hi and getting his autograph and picture...They can do it. They're not dependent on others for certain things, I am and it makes me HATE the fact that BECAUSE I have CP, I can't just go...There are plans that would have to be made for me...Where do the disabled sit? How would I get there? Can I afford it? Could I even get TOO Patrick in a wheelchair with throngs of people wanting to meet him all around me?

These are things I think about when I think about wanting to meet him. And it makes the dream deflate a little more every time because it just seems like there's no way it will ever happen.

But...I still hope. I still pray. I still ask for God to make it possible. I HAVE to believe that it CAN and that it WILL happen. I have to believe in miracles!

Dreaming in Silence

Have you ever been in a situation where you're trying to get someone to understand something, how important something is to you, how deeply you were affected by something. You're trying so hard and yet you feel like no one is really hearing you? That your point is just not getting across? That's how I feel tonight.

I sit here with tears in my eyes as I type this. I SO want my dream to come true. I don't think words could ever express just how badly I want my story to get to Patrick and what it would mean to me to get to say thank you to him. And yet, I KNOW you guys are SO tired of hearing about it.

I've been a little angry at God the past few days....WHY can't He give me another dream that I can actually WORK toward? Give me something I can tell people that won't make them roll their eyes inwardly. I've literally started making stuff up when people ask me what my dreams are. I can't tell you how many people I've sent to this blog hoping against hope that they would know someone who might be able to help get my story to Patrick. I just have this fear of seeing the end of this dream and looking back saying, if I had just told this person or e-mailed this person, MAYBE THEY could have been the one to help make this a reality.

It's my dream, yes. But I know you guys are tired of hearing about it. Just as much as I'm tired of trying over and over again to try and get someone who may be able to help to actually read what I have to say. I've talked so much about it that I don't think anyone is really listening anymore.

So, it will be a silent unspoken dream from now on. Honestly, I can't talk about it anymore...It's just too painful to hope at this point. Sorry to have gone on for so long about it...

Happier blogs to come!

"When you're dreamin' with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part." ~John Mayer~

My Le Mans Experience

I did something this weekend that I can honestly say I have never done...I watched sports all weekend. Okay, so it was just ONE sport, but still, for a girl who only watches sports during the summer Olympics, this is a big thing for me.

I watched Patrick and his teammates, Joe Foster and Don Kitch Jr. race at Le Mans...And I watched the entire thing! ALL 24 hours!

I have to admit, I had some nerves about watching the race. Those of you that know me know that one of my worst fears is Patrick being injured during a race. It's one thing to know he's racing and to pray for him but not actually SEE what's going on, it's QUITE another to SEE everything that's happening, live! It was quite nerve wracking at times. Please know that for me this was a first...I've NEVER gotten to see Patrick race before and it was LE MANS so it was pretty emotional on all fronts. There is no way I will ever remember everything and as soon as I post this, I know there will be something I forgot to add so just bear with me because as I write this I haven't slept since 7:15 Saturday morning. Along the way I will share some of my favorite pics with you(All of them courtesy of the Team Seattle Facebook Page or various other sites. I definitely wasn't one of the lucky ones there in person so none of these are mine). They won't necessarily correspond with what I write. In fact, none of them do, but I tried to come close.

First off, did you know Patrick is a blogger? Yep! He blogged throughout the week leading up to the race. It was so awesome to see things through his eyes. And the best part...Readers could leave comments! Who knows if Patrick read them, but I commented on every single blog...Hoping.

I'm not going to go hour by hour but just touch on what were the highlights for me. The first moment that sticks out was an interview Patrick did right after his first leg of the race. I wish I had a snap shot for you of the pure excitement on his face, he was practically giddy and grinning from ear to ear. Brought tears to my eyes. Had to be one of the cutest interviews I've ever seen. His face had to hurt from smiling so much...He was absolutely drinking it in.
Every time Joe, Don, or Patrick were interviewed, they said how incredible it was to be there and how they were just honored and thankful for the chance to be at Le Mans. Such humble and gracious guys. Every lap they completed raised money for Seattle Children's Hospital and it was evident they wanted to raise as much money as they could for the hospital.
For me, the most anxious moment came early Sunday morning (in France. In the US it was still Saturday night) Patrick was behind the wheel, doing his thing and there came word that there was a serious accident. It was dark, of course so for a few moments no one was sure who it was. And for those few moments...I was a wreck. It didn't take long to identify who it was, but it felt like ages. It wasn't Patrick and the odds that it would have been him were slim, and I knew that, but still...My worst fear guys...I was still shaking twenty minutes after. They driver involved in the wreck was pulled from the car and taken to the hospital, and it turns out he's fine, but looking at what was left of the car, it's a miracle. I was texting and tweeting everyone I knew to pray. Patrick safely pitted a few minutes later.
The night was long as some twitter friends and I kept each other going while we cheered on the team. Don, bless his heart, was sick with a severe chest cold so he didn't get a lot of time behind the wheel. Patrick and Joe took turns racing for two hours at a time throughout the night. When Patrick came out for his next stint, he was apparently asked by someone off camera if he had slept, and he told them, "No way! I'm too excited to sleep!" It was then that I told someone I was tweeting with that if Patrick hadn't slept, WE certainly couldn't! LOL! That just seemed to stiffen our resolve to stay awake with them through the end. We really got excited as we watched the team continue to climb in their class rank.

A few anxious moments when Patrick had to make an unscheduled pit stop to fix something on the car and he stayed there for what seemed like ages to us and I'm sure even longer to him. We were afraid they would slip out of the top ten and kept saying willing them to hurry by talking to our televisions (or was I the only one doing that guys? LOL) saying, "Please hurry!" "Work faster!" FINALLY Patrick was off again and they were still in the top ten but by a smaller margin. A twitter friend of mine said, "Don't worry, Speedy Joe is up soon (her nickname for Joe Foster that still makes me giggle) he'll help make up ground." So, Zoom Zoom Paddy (the nickname I came up with for PD because of his Mazda "the zoom zoom way" voice overs) finished his stint, and Speedy Joe took the wheel. Soon, they were ninth in their class! We were ecstatic!

I have to say, it was really odd to be watching coverage and see the sun coming up there while it was still the very early morning hours here. Speaking of that, on Patrick's blog for Friday, he mentioned that his body wasn't sure what time it was and he was awake when he should be sleeping, and tired when he needed to be alert. So, as I went to bed Friday, I prayed that Patrick would get a great night's rest. I forgot all about the time difference and the fact that as I was praying that prayer, it was already race day for Patrick! LOL! Thank goodness God knew I was going to pray that prayer ahead of time and answered it early. Sorry about that, Patrick! I DO hope you got a great night's rest before race day!

Seven o'clock my time Sunday morning brought what is, in my opinion, the most emotional interview I've ever seen Patrick give. As he and Don talked to a reporter the reporter made mention that he could see in Patrick's eyes how much this experience meant to him...It was then that Patrick nodded and from my view seemed to tear up and get emotional. That's all it took for me to start crying...Again, these guys were THRILLED to be there. At Le MANS for cryin' out loud! It doesn't get any better!

The race ended at 8:00 a.m. this morning. Patrick, Joe, and Don came in 30th overall and 9th in their class. AND...They raised 258,800 for Seattle Children's Hospital!! How incredible is that?! GO TEAM SEATTLE!!!!

Now, here's why this race was an experience for me and such an emotional one at that...

Patrick, Joe, and Don were in Paris France. At Le Mans. That's big. It's HUGE. And it's a dream come true for all of them. It's emotional for me because as I watched them race, I watched their dream come true...I mean literally saw it coming true hour by hour as they gave interviews and with each stint they completed, more of their dream just continued to unfold. If you've read this blog any than you probably know what my dream is...For my story to get to Patrick and be able to thank him personally for how his story changed my own. You also know how I'd pretty much given up hope that that will ever happen. I watched videos of the team in France throughout the week and the throngs of people just wanting an autograph from Patrick and I looked at the sea of people and thought, "that's why I feel this is a dream going nowhere...I'm just another fan, in a sea of faces. There's no way I can just travel to his races on my own because of my disability, I'd have to have a way to get there. Yes, meeting Patrick and thanking him is my dream, but I know there's very little hope that it will.

As I watched Team Seattle's dream unfold before my eyes, I can't help but feel a spark of renewed hope that my story WILL somehow get to Patrick....If they can get to Le Mans....My story can get to Patrick. It's a spark of hope that I needed and that I'll hang on to. I want my own "Le Mans Moment" so to speak, where I see my dream unfolding.

So, yet again, I'm teary as I type this up. I have to thank some people that kept me going last night: @zennish, @pdempseyfansite, @GraveDancer40, @Evie_89, @pickmeforever, @PD_EP_FAN, @adene626 and Kara.

you guys were a blast to experience this with!! Definitely made some new friends....And twitter hasn't been quiet since! Thanks for helping keep me awake last night as we cheered on our guys together! It really was so much fun! Same time, same place next weekend for Patrick's next race? LOL! Seriously, you guys are great...Loved spending those 24 hours with you!

Thank you to EVERYONE who kept Patrick, Joe, and Don in your prayers this weekend...God was definitely protecting them and blessing them the entire time!

Congratulations once again to Joe, Patrick, and Don....You lived the dream....You raced at Le Mans! And we're all so happy and proud for you and thrilled that we got to take the journey with you! It was a complete honor to spend "24 Hours at Le Mans" with you.

Doubting the Difference

I recently was visiting with a friend catching up on things since we hadn't seen each other in awhile. She had apparently seen my facebook (and perhaps this blog) and asked about why my admiration for Patrick Dempsey ran so deep.

I froze. Literally. My mouth went dry and felt like it had been stuffed with a dozen cotton balls. As I tried to figure out where to start and stumbled awkwardly through the story with a shaky voice I knew I had lost their attention mid story but finished in a hurried frantic way.

Where had my confidence gone? What was the problem? I mentally kicked myself through the rest of our visit and came home bombarded with doubts cringing as my mind constantly replayed it over and over.

Stopping to think about it, I know perhaps why it was such a nerve wracking experience for me...It was the first time I had told my experience out loud. Ever. It's one thing to write it, and I have done that...over and over again. But to say the words...To actually hear myself saying them brought much more emotion than I ever expected.

It's a scary thing to tell what is to this day my darkest moment. I was scared to death of being judged and the worst thing that could have happened, happened. She didn't get it. And I knew she didn't get it. And I knew that the reason for her not getting it probably had to do with my nerves and the way I tried to tell the story while my mind was screaming at me a thousand things...The main thing being "JUST SHUT UP! This is YOUR story and you can't even tell it, you idiot!"

And THAT is what has been going through my head ever since....I'm SUCH an idiot! Perhaps my whole "Dempsey Difference" isn't THAT big a deal after all. Maybe it's just something I've blown up in my head and maybe THAT is why anybody I've contacted and shared my story with to try and get it to Patrick hasn't done so...Because it's NOT that huge, because people have similar experiences all the time and WHY should mine be any different. Why should *I* be set apart from the thousands of others that would give anything to meet Patrick Dempsey?

I don't have the answers to most of those questions....Maybe THIS is why I haven't had any progress in my story getting to Patrick...Because if I can't tell a friend the story, then how in the heck do I expect to tell Patrick? Does my story REALLY matter?

Doubt. It's a huge and scary thing.

Enough Already!

"Did you say it? 'I love you.' 'I don't ever want to live without you.' 'You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan, set a goal, work toward it. But every now and then look around, drink it in. Cause, this is it. It might all gone tomorrow."

Any guesses as to WHAT this brought to my mind. WHY dear Lord can't I just forget about this and move on? It's not for lack of trying. And I sit here frustrated tonight because once again I am reminded of what I have not been able to do!

I've always had this sense of urgency to get my thanks to Patrick Dempsey. Always. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because his passion is racing and I have a fear that he'll get injured or something during a race and my hope of him ever knowing how he changed my life would be gone. Or that something would happen to me before he ever got to know. And yes, I know how morbid all of this sounds but like I said, there has always been a sense of me thinking, "I've got to do everything I can possibly do to try and make sure he knows what he did for me."

Have I said it? Yes. To everybody I can think of...HOPING against hope that one of the people I've told will tell him. I'd given up. Not wanting to but having to accept the reality that it just wasn't going to happen. And then...THIS voice over tonight. And I swear, it was like throwing it back in my face. Reminding me again. It hurt to let go of this, but I was getting there. I was starting to accept it and move on and then this. WHAT MORE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? Who else is there to tell? Nobody has taken me seriously. So, why throw it back in my face? The urgency has never gone away....Just because you ignore something doesn't make it go away. Everything is still there. I just have no idea what to do with it so I ignore it. I've stopped asking for it, stopped e-mailing people about it, stopped talking about it, just thinking that eventually...It will fade.

Did I said it? Yes. Has he heard me? Who knows. And that is perhaps, the most frustrating thing of all...Not knowing one way or the other.

And yes, I know this wasn't the Grey's Anatomy finale wrap up that you were expecting....That's coming tomorrow night sometime. I'm off to bed now....Work awaits tomorrow. (Make that today...In just a few hours). Thanks for letting me vent.

The Line I Can't Forget.....

Normally, I would be posting a blog about how I felt about tonight's Grey's Anatomy episode as I usually do. However, ever since watching the show tonight (or rather, one SCENE of the show tonight), I'm going to forgo what I regularly blog about because this simply won't leave my head...

There was a line that Meredith Grey said tonight when she was talking to a patients mom.

"You have to change her story!"

It was that line that I remember and honestly, I don't remember much about the show after that (thank goodness for tivo).

"You have to change her story...." Call me nuts, but for hours now I've been wondering, is that what God was thinking when He was writing Patrick's story? "You have to change her story...."

I know where my story was headed before that night in September. And God did too...Long before I did. So, He also knew that Patrick was going to be the one to change it.

And I'm beginning to think that perhaps that is why every effort I have made to try and get my story and thanks to Patrick has failed...Perhaps nobody else REALLY gets it. Perhaps they think I'm being dramatic or just another fan. And I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that my dream of thanking him, of him hearing my story will never be.

I don't know anymore if dreams come true, I know this is my biggest dream, but I also know that whether it does or doesn't will never change the impact Patrick has had on my life and I thank God daily for him.

"You have to change her story...." And that's exactly what Patrick did.

The Dempsey Challenge...I Need YOUR help!

I have signed up to help raise money for The Dempsey Challenge. Obviously, I won't be able to physically participate in the riding, walking or running but I CAN make an effort to raise money for this cause.

This is a great opportunity for me to have the chance to "pay it forward" as I've talked about and in a way, try and say thank you by giving to this great cause! I've talked a lot about how my dream of meeting Patrick Dempsey is a tough dream because I can't do much to actually work toward that. THIS however, is something I can work toward...I need YOUR help though!

If you can and are willing, please go to my personal donation page by clicking HERE and making a donation of your choice. Big or small, EVERY donation counts and matters. Then, spread the word for me! If you have people you think might be willing to donate to my goal, please send them the link. All of the money raised goes to The Patrick Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope and Healing.

Please consider giving. You'll help me reach my goal and also be giving to people fighting cancer and helping them WIN the fight!

I sincerely appreciate ANY donations made! Thank you in advance for your support!

Thirty Days of Prayer: Day Eight

It's time to let go. I'm starting to believe that perhaps my dream of thanking Patrick in person is that that...MY dream. Perhaps I thought it was God's desire for me as well because that was the only way to make sense out of wanting it so badly.

I know time is never wasted in prayer but I have to wonder what is going through God's mind as He listens to me ask him for this over and over all the while knowing it's never going to happen. If this dream is truly meant to happen, God will make a way. I'm tired of feeling like just another crazy fan. I give up. I surrender. I wish Patrick the best.

For the remainder of the thirty days I will be praying that God will awaken new dreams that I can actually work toward (you can't really work toward meeting someone...You could, but it probably seems a bit stalkerish and I'm betting a few people probably feel that way about me right now anyway). I pray that He will show me what I'm good at and what I might can do in terms of the talents He has given me and how to put those to use in a job of some sort.

Please continue to pray with me.

Thirty Days of Prayer: Day Four

Yes, I know I didn't blog on day three yesterday...Still prayed though.

As day four is in full swing, I just finished siting at my computer praying in tears as I begged God to move...One of those "please please please God, just move. Show me SOMETHING!" Yes, I know, faith is all about seeing and it's a bit pathetic when it's only day four and I'm already begging for movement.

It would be different, I suppose if I knew WHY this was such a desire. I know I'm not the only person that would like to meet Patrick...And of course, I know he saved my life and all of that. It's just so heavy on my heart that I NEED to say thank you and share my story with him in person. I've really evaluated my reasoning...It's not because he's McDreamy (I didn't even know who Patrick was really before all this happened), it's not so I can say I met someone famous (yes, that WOULD be cool...but my story is personal and I have a feeling he wouldn't be the only person I'd have to share it with in order to say thanks). I've said before, I DON'T KNOW why this trumps everything else I could be spending thirty days praying over, I just know I want it so badly. And the only way I can really make sense of it all is the fact that there seems to be a part of me that isn't healed and perhaps WON'T be until I can be face to face with him and say, "this is what you did for me...." It's such a deep strong desire that the ONLY explanation for why is because God put it there.

The Heavens seem so silent. As I cred out to God (literally) just a few minutes ago, I even began to wonder if I was praying right. Was there something I needed to say, some magic word I needed to utter in order to get God to hear me? Deep down I thought, "How ridiculous! Satan is LOVING getting me to doubt whether or not I'm praying correctly!" Yet, I did. I even asked God if He would perhaps reveal something on "Grey's Anatomy" tonight. I'm just desperate to hear from Him.

Dear Father,

Why is it suddenly so hard to hear from You? Are you talking and I'm not listening? Am I doing this all wrong? Lord, I don't need to know why this is such a desire...You do and that's enough. Father, make my ears sensitive to Your Voice as I continue this thirty days of prayer. I KNOW You are working and I pray that I become more confident in that fact, even when I don't SEE anything happening. May I know that YOU put this dream in my heart and that You do not mess with the emotions of Your kids by making them desire something so badly and not giving it to them eventually.

Father, I lift up this dream to you once more and ask that you make a way. Lord, take care of all of the details. May you cause me to be remembered by the people I've contacted to help this dream come to pass. May you continue to put the right people in my path. May you make me keenly aware of doors to knock on and opportunities that will help. Lord, I'm doing everything I know of and I pray and know that You will do what I cannot.

I lift Patrick up to you again Father. Thank You for him, for his story, and for what you continue to teach me because of him. Bless him wherever he is today Lord, may he stay safe and have a productive and great day. Bless his family and thank you that You are doing great things in his life.

Father, thank you for this time and thank You that I'm one day closer to my dream becoming a real reality. Thank You dear Lord, that it's just a matter of time....

I love You,

Amen

Thirty Days of Prayer: Day Two

Today was much better than yesterday. However, I'm experiencing some frustration because I don't exactly know where things stand. As I pray throughout the day, I keep thinking back to when I was praying consistently, daily, several times a day for Kyle. In a way, it was easy to pray for him because Kelly (his mom) was so great at keeping the blog updated as to how he was doing and what we could specifically pray for.

When it comes to what I'm praying for now though, many times it feels like I'm going in blind. I have no idea if any of the people I've contacted to try and get my story to Patrick have actually made any attempt to do so. My story may just be lost in a stack of e-mails or tossed in a dumpster for all I know. So, I'm finding myself repeating basically the same things every time I pray: "God, please just make a way when it seems like there is no way. Lord, thank you that you are moving in ways that you haven't before, Father, I just lift the situation up to you, asking that you remove every obstacle that's preventing this from happening, Father, thank you that you are right now lining things up, putting the right people in my path and that I am one moment closer to knowing that dreams do come true...."

As I sat in the car today while waiting for Kimberly to finish up in a store, I was finishing up this prayer for about the fourth time today. Wondering to myself if God was getting tired of hearing me ask for and say the same things over and over. I didn't know what to ask really and was wondering if it was enough...As I said, "Amen" the song, "Word of God Speak" came on KSBJ....How appropriate! And this verse came to mind:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." ~Romans 8:26-27~

I know that even though I may not know what exactly my situation needs and where exactly everything stands, but God does. And I have asked Him to reveal to me different ways I can pray about this. Until then, I will keep praying, lifting up my dream and my desire the best way I know how knowing that God hears every word, sees my heart, and is moving and working and that I am that much closer to Him making this a reality. As long as I pray in faith, He sees, He hears...And He WILL answer!

Thank you SO much to those of you that are praying with me in this. It helps and encourages me more than you will ever know!

Thirty Days of Prayer: Day One

I knew when I started this, that the first day was probably going to be one of the toughest because the Enemy doesn't like what's going on...I knew he would use lots of things to distract and try to throw me off...And I was right.

* Before I even was up and going good this morning, these people called to "check in." What a way to start the day.

* Mom and Dad were out running errands today and before they left, I asked my dad to put the hot dog buns down where I could reach them (we keep them in the bread box on top of the fridge). When I went to fix my hot dog at lunch, the buns were nowhere to be found. I called Dad and he'd forgotten to put them down. So, I was left to try and figure out what else to have.

* I was discouraged by the lack of support I seemed to have in this thirty day challenge.

* My parents came back in between errands and then left again. Two hours later, I was in the kitchen when I heard Tazzie start barking outside. Turns out, Mom had let her out to go potty and forgot to let her back in. There is a step down to our sun room leading to the back yard. If my parents are gone for an extended period of time, they leave an older lightweight walker of mine at the bottom of the step so I can let Tazzie out if she needs to go. That, of course wasn't there today and the walker I use all the time is too heavy for me to put down the step and then lift back up the step. So, I had to crawl down the step, to the back door and let Tazzie in. Mom walked in the door ten minutes later! Go figure!

Despite all of this, I prayed. I know the Enemy wouldn't have done all of this if he had not known that God was at work today. He wants me stop because he knows progress was made today.

Thank you dear Lord for the work You did on behalf of my dream today. Thank You that You are at work even now. Thank You for Patrick and his story and for what it continues to teach me. Thank You that I will meet him and say thank you and be able to share my story with him in person. Thank you Father that I'm one day closer to that moment. In Your Name I pray, Amen.

Thirty Days of Prayer

I was reading a chapter in my latest "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book yesterday when I came across the story who told of her pastor telling his congregation, "If you want to see results in prayer, pray for thirty days without ceasing." I stopped reading as I took that in.

I must admit that when I thought about it, there's really only one thing that I have ever really given concentrated prayer to and that was Kyle Sherrill. His story alone should have been proof enough what can happen if you stay consistent in your prayers about something. I can't think of another instance where I've ever been THAT consistent over something in prayer and it saddens me and embarrasses me at the same time.

That's not to say, I don't pray. When I tell someone I'm praying for them, I mean it and I do it. I lift them up. Along with all of the other things I lift up and I do that for several things and several people daily. It's focusing on ONE THING for an extended period of time that I have trouble with (my "prayer A.D.D." kicks in).

As I read this sentence in my book my thoughts immediately went to my dream of meeting Patrick Dempsey (read my story on the right to find out more). Yes, I pray daily about it, and that the efforts I have made to try and get my story to him will somehow pay off, but I must admit to slacking off because I've grown frustrated by the lack of progress. I pray about it, I lift it up, but I can't say I've really given it any concentrated prayer effort in awhile. And I thought, "I wonder what would happen if I devoted some time in my day to specifically pray for that particular thing to come to pass!"

So, starting Monday, March 16th, I am committing myself to praying in a concentrated effort for thirty days, that progress WILL be made in my desire to meet and thank Patrick Dempsey personally. I am praying that God will line things up, that he will put the right people in my path, and that HE will make this happen. Somehow, some way.

It's a big dream that will only happen because God makes it happen and anything is possible, if we believe.

I would be very appreciative if you would join me in praying about this for thirty days with me. I believe that one person's prayers are heard, but how much more awesome would it be to know I had friends joining me for thirty days in prayer believing for this to happen.

I'm going to need encouragement, I'm going to need accountability, I'm going to need people that will believe for me when I get frustrated. I'm going to need your help!

Will you join me in this effort to pray for this dream of mine to come true? Please leave a comment if you'll be praying with me.

Thirty days. I can't wait to see what God is going to do!

I Have A Dream...

I blog today with a mixture of things on my mind, I use writing and this blog as my outlet so I hope you'll bear with me today as I just kinda dump the things on my mind here.

I have a dream. Meeting Patrick Dempsey. And as you may have read my reasons are very personal. I often feel guilty for having this particular dream. There are so many other things I should want more, but I don't. I want this more than I think I've ever wanted anything. And I have no idea why, of all the thing I DO want in life: a great job that I love--preferably in the entertainment industry, to fall in love, to get married...Of ALL the things I want, THIS is the thing I want the most, THIS is the one that I beg God for in the late hours of the night, THIS is the one that I dream about (literally), and THIS is the one that instantly pops into my head whenever anyone asks, "what are your dreams and goals?" I know people are reading this rolling their eyes as they read this, but I'm just sharing my heart right now. I'm trying to be honest. I have no idea why this trumps everything else that I wish for, but it does. I want this to happen so badly. Perhaps part of the reason may be because there is something deep down that won't be healed until this happens. I not only want it, It seems to be a need as well. Whatever the case, this is a very frusturating dream to have.....

It's frustrating because I hear and see so many times that if you work hard enough, if you want it badly enough, then all of your dreams can be reached. However, I don't know if my dream falls into that same category. When your deepest dream is to meet someone, it really seems to be out of your hands...It's not one of those things like a test where if you study hard enough, you'll pass it, or if you just keep working at it, you'll get that college diploma, or that promotion at work. Yes, there are certain things you can do to make your appreciation for this person known, and hope they get the message somehow, some way. But beyond that, there's nothing I can do.

The only thing I can do is try my best to pay it forward and hope and pray that God does the rest. The only way this will ever happen is if God makes a way. I can't work my way toward it, I can't study in order for it to happen, it is out of my hands totally and that often leads to me just going to God often throughout the day, praying that He makes a way for Patrick and I to meet one day. And I have to believe that He will. I HAVE to believe that He would not cause me to want something this badly if He did not intend to make it happen. I HAVE to believe. I HAVE to keep praying. I HAVE to believe that it's only a matter of time before my story DOES get to Patrick. I have to believe that it's only a matter of time before I can thank him personally.

I have a BIG dream, but I serve a BIG God and He WILL make it a reality!

Crazy Dream

If you've ever talked to me, you know that I have some pretty crazy dreams. Last night was no exception.

I dreamt I was in the middle of this big arena, apparently for a taping of Oprah's show because she was there and people were running everywhere getting things set up. I don't know what made me think I was entitled, but I went to her and asked her if she had a minute to talk. She said sure and she and I went and sat down facing each other. I told her very calmly my story and how much it would mean for me to thank Patrick Dempsey. I asked her since she seemed to know everybody, if she would possibly thank Patrick on my behalf next time she saw or spoke with him. She smiled and asked me to hold on. She left and when she returned, had her cell phone (it looked like a Blackberry, actually) and was scrolling through it.

She tried one number with no success, then tried a second. After a minute she says, "Hi Patrick, it's Oprah." They talk for a minute about some producer causing problems (even I can't believe how much I remember) and then she says, "I've got someone here who really needs to talk to you. Her name is Natalie. Do you mind?" The next thing I know, she's handing me her phone!

I calmly took the phone and said hello. Patrick answered with a calm and happy, "Hello Natalie, how are you?" It was at that moment that I figured out I was dreaming (literally) and panic set in as I realized if I didn't tell him what I needed to tell him quickly, I was going to wake up! So, it all came pouring out as fast as I could talk.

He kept trying to get a word in, but I just kept going. My voice was shaking, I was on the verge of tears, it was a total freak out moment. The fact that Patrick was on the other end of the line didn't seem to be the issue, it was the fact that I had something really important to share and I was terrified I was going to wake up at any moment.

Once I was finished, there was a moment of silence on the other end of the line and I was afraid he might have hung up. Finally, he laughed a little and said, "Natalie, I sincerely appreciate you telling me all of that. I want you to know though that all that matters is how you feel about yourself." I tried to tell him that it is BECAUSE of him I had a totally different perspective on things. Panic rose in me again at the thought of him not truly understanding. He seemed to sense it though and assured me that he understood. He said he was really glad he was able to help. He then said he had to go but that we would talk again...soon. And the call ended.

Very strange, very vivid, and yet still, just a dream.

Tonight's Grey's...Personal Shout Out or Pure Coincidence?

Usually I blog about the show using the title of that episode. I guess it would be fitting to do so tonight since "These Ties That Bind" fit this blog as well, but tonight I'm going to deviate from my normal GA blog and kinda make it a personal GA blog all in one...

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear some of the lines said tonight were written as a personal shout out to me, and while I'm not naive enough to believe that that is actually the case, and I'm probably looking way too much into it, but there were times tonight that left me with tears in my eyes as the show crossed into my life in a way that was impossible to ignore.

"I'm trying to ascertain whether he's suicidal or just defeated." ~Derek Shepherd

"You have a story. We all have a story." ~Owen Hunt

"The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. They connect us even after it seems they should be broken. Some bonds defy distance, and time, and logic. Because some ties are simply meant to be." ~Meredith Grey

If you've read any of this blog before then you understand. If not, CLICK HERE and it'll be clear why this episode and the things above truly hit home for me.