Enough Already!

"Did you say it? 'I love you.' 'I don't ever want to live without you.' 'You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan, set a goal, work toward it. But every now and then look around, drink it in. Cause, this is it. It might all gone tomorrow."

Any guesses as to WHAT this brought to my mind. WHY dear Lord can't I just forget about this and move on? It's not for lack of trying. And I sit here frustrated tonight because once again I am reminded of what I have not been able to do!

I've always had this sense of urgency to get my thanks to Patrick Dempsey. Always. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because his passion is racing and I have a fear that he'll get injured or something during a race and my hope of him ever knowing how he changed my life would be gone. Or that something would happen to me before he ever got to know. And yes, I know how morbid all of this sounds but like I said, there has always been a sense of me thinking, "I've got to do everything I can possibly do to try and make sure he knows what he did for me."

Have I said it? Yes. To everybody I can think of...HOPING against hope that one of the people I've told will tell him. I'd given up. Not wanting to but having to accept the reality that it just wasn't going to happen. And then...THIS voice over tonight. And I swear, it was like throwing it back in my face. Reminding me again. It hurt to let go of this, but I was getting there. I was starting to accept it and move on and then this. WHAT MORE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? Who else is there to tell? Nobody has taken me seriously. So, why throw it back in my face? The urgency has never gone away....Just because you ignore something doesn't make it go away. Everything is still there. I just have no idea what to do with it so I ignore it. I've stopped asking for it, stopped e-mailing people about it, stopped talking about it, just thinking that eventually...It will fade.

Did I said it? Yes. Has he heard me? Who knows. And that is perhaps, the most frustrating thing of all...Not knowing one way or the other.

And yes, I know this wasn't the Grey's Anatomy finale wrap up that you were expecting....That's coming tomorrow night sometime. I'm off to bed now....Work awaits tomorrow. (Make that today...In just a few hours). Thanks for letting me vent.