I Wonder.....

There are certain things I know:

God loves me. God doesn't make mistakes, God saw me before I was born and knit me together.

I know all of this things. I say these truths to many people, but ya know, even knowing these I find myself lately saying, "I wonder....." I wonder what my life would be like if I had been born WITHOUT Cerebral Palsy and able to walk.

I wonder if I would be married by now or if I would have kids.

I wonder if I would be in L.A. pursing my dream of working in the entertainment industry. Television is my passion, I love it. I love writing about it, reading about it, analyzing every bit of my favorite show, every character, every song choice. I wonder if I didn't have CP where I would be right now in terms of that and what I would be doing.

I wonder if my dream of meeting and thanking Patrick Dempsey would have happened. Had I been physically able, I would be able to get on a plane by myself, fly to a race that he was at and meet him like everyone else does. My disability complicates that. It's funny, in most every other situation, I stick out like a sore thumb because of my CP, but when it comes to trying to meet Patrick Dempsey, I blend right in and I'm just another fan...Nobody pays attention, nobody cares. When I WANT to stick out, I blend in.

I wonder if my parents ever wonder what life would be like if I didn't have CP, I wonder if they're dreams for me flew out the window when I was born two and a half months early. I wonder if they're disappointed because I'm NOT married, and DON'T have kids, and a decent job. I wonder if they wish things were different.

I wonder if Alexis is ever bothered by the fact that the girls on her softball team stares at me every time I'm at a softball game, I wonder if it bothers her that I'm not the Aunt that can pick her and her brother up and take them to the movies, or out for ice cream.

I wonder once more if I truly AM okay mentally or if I AM "slow" because of my CP. I wonder if I behave differently than others and no one tells me because they just chalk it up to my CP. I've noticed this fear has caused me to become a lot more self conscience and somewhat quieter because I don't want to say or do something stupid and once again, get stared at.

I wonder if my CP is the reason I look fifteen instead of 28 and if that is the reason I've never really had a serious romantic relationship.

And I know, believe me I KNOW that WITHOUT Cerebral Palsy I wouldn't have met some of the people and had some of the experiences that I've had, which is why I said many times that in many was my Cerebral Palsy has been a blessing, but I can't pretend I DON'T think about what life would be like to be physically able.

I wonder.....I wonder so many things. Sometimes it just really STINKS to be disabled, and I hate it! I try to remember the fact that God sees the big picture and on the day that He calls me Home, He will show me why, and I will wonder no more...It will all make PERFECT sense.