I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just kidding myself. If my goals and desires are really attainable or if I'll look back on them years from now as just really great fantasies that kept me hoping against hope for so long.
People talk a lot about dreams...It's on the news, in commercials, people give speeches about them..."Dream big" they say. "Dare to dream!" they proclaim. "Live your dream!" Is that all it is? Just talk?
I'm floundering right now and I don't know why. I've had a huge lump in my throat all day because I went to bed praying for this dream to die...I didn't want to want it so badly because now the thought of it NOT happening is just a bit too much. I wanted to wake up this morning and not want it. Instead, I woke up this morning and almost ached because I wanted it MORE. That's God, right? Someone PLEASE reassure me that THIS is God at work...I can't believe that God would mess with a person's emotions in such a cruel way as to put this kind of desire in them and NOT let them experience having that which they desire eventually.
I have a dream...I never really thought it was something I needed, I thought it would be GREAT to have happen but often felt guilty for wanting it so badly, because I didn't think I "needed" it. Now, now I think it IS indeed something I need...A lot more than I realized. I need this to happen...not only for something deep within me to be healed, but so that I can look back on this and say, "Yes! Dreams absolutely do come true!" Because...I do, dream about this happening...All the time.
What's happening to me? Now is NOT the time to lose faith....Now is the time where unshakable faith is supposed to step in....Why am I doubting now? What happened between last night and today? Am I being tested? Is God trying to see just how far He can stretch me?
Do I still want this...More than ever. And now, I not only want it, I need it. Maybe that's what's going on...God is transforming my "want" to a "need" I never thought God would actually do that...And maybe that's not what's happening at all, that's just my best guess because this hurts, and transformation is painful sometimes so that's my best guess at to the purpose of my pain right now: Transformation
1 comment:
I don't have the words to comfort you about what plans God has in store for you, but have faith and keep praying...you will soon see what God has in store for you.
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