A Heart to Heart

Mom and I had lunch together today and all I can say is God totally showed up and moved during our lunch conversation

She was telling me how she had seen some friends of ours while she had been out running errands earlier and how they had asked her what I was up to and my mom told them I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. These friends then told my mom how great I would be at a particular job working at my church.

As we discussed it further, my mom told me she didn't want me to feel like she was pressuring me to get a job. That she knew that because of certain circumstances, I was in a position where I don't really NEED a job. What income I have takes care of my bills (cell phone, personal line in my room, Internet, etc) just fine. That my parents just thought a job would be a way for me to be able to be out of the house and see people but that it wasn't something I needed so my mom reiterated again that she wasn't trying to pressure me.

It was at that moment that a huge weight lifted from me and I felt as though I could open up a bit more about my feelings on the whole thing. I told her that I understood and that I thought a job would be great...That I'm not opposed to having a job at all...It's SETTLING for a job that I don't want to have to do.

I told her how people like "Z" and "L" made me feel and how I hated that situation. I explained that I tolerated "Z" during college and met his requirements during college because he basically paid for it and that now that college is over that I should be able to have the say but since he thinks I need his help to find a job, that he's just putting me in a job to prove that yet another disabled person can find a job, he doesn't really care if the job makes me happy or is something I enjoy doing. I get a call every three months from his office for an update on how the job search is going and it never fails to literally turn my stomach when I see his name on my caller id because I know a big lecture is about to come about what have I been doing to get a job and why haven't I looked here or there...He tunes out the part where I express to him that I haven't looked "here or there" because it's not the type of job I want. However, I'd always hesitated on REALLY expressing my feelings because I honestly felt that my parents wanted me to have a job no matter what it was and that telling Z I wanted to look freely would hurt those efforts.

However, after telling my mom all of this she told me she totally understood and that I was right, I shouldn't have to have a job that met "Z's" criteria or anyone else's but my own. That she had no doubt that there WAS a job out there for me and that I would find it eventually and that the bottom line was my happiness...Not in me finding a job to make others happy and that because of the fact that I don't NEED a job, that I really could take my time and find one that I enjoyed...IF I wanted to do so but that she nor my Dad were trying to pressure me to find one.

I was blown away by how God was just so present during that conversation and how He allowed my Mom to know the words I needed to hear. I had never expressed ANY of my frustrations or any of these feelings about my having or not having a job to my parents so for my Mom to come out and say all of this having no knowledge that it was exactly what has weighed so heavily on me for awhile now was a total God thing....

I've really been feeling as though I've been disappointing my family in a big way by not having a job. There are night's that I would go to bed begging for God to move, not because *I* was getting impatient, but because I felt like my family was. Today after I expressed to her how I always wonder what she and my Dad tell people when they ask what I'm up to now, my mom said that I stay quite busy and that I'm happy and whatever anyone else thinks shouldn't be my concern. I told my Mom I knew that God was at work in my life and that when that job came along that He would give me direction.

God showed up in a BIG today. Now that I really know where my mom stands on my whole job issue I feel as though the pressure is off and I really can relax and not having to worry about disappointing them. I know where they stand, and they know where I stand. I left the restaurant feeling SO much better about my job issues. I'm so thankful that in the way only He can, God opened up the doors for my mom and I to be able to discuss this. Opening up has never been easy for me but I'm working SO hard to get better at that. Today, God allowed it to happen in a way that was relaxed and comfortable. God's peace and presence were evident and He allowed me to really get rid of some chains that have really been weighing me down....God is SO good.

Thank you to those of you who encourage me and pray for me...Please continue...God is up to GREAT things!