Get Real!

If any of you read my Facebook status this past Wednesday night, then you know I was having a really difficult time. I was TOTALLY fed up! I had gone on twitter and saw several people talking about how they were going to a race of Patrick Dempsey's in Utah in September...How they were going to get to meet him and talk to him, and it all just got to be too much for me. I logged off twitter and cried for about 10 minutes. I'm THRILLED that they're going to get to meet him, but my own heart was breaking for the fact that I've wanted to do the same thing for so long and seem no closer to it happening then I was two years ago. After a few minutes I had to pull myself together and go help with dinner.

Once dinner was over I remember standing in the kitchen looking out the kitchen window as I scrubbed a dish before putting it in the dishwasher. And as I stood there, I got angrier and angrier as I scrubbed the dish as hard as I could not really paying attention but looking out the window into the pitch darkness of the night. I remember just basically yelling at God inside my head going, "If you're not going to make this dream come to pass, FINE! But quit throwing other people that my dream IS happening to in my face because I'm telling you God, they seem to be everywhere I turn lately! And if I were physically able, I would be able to GO to a race and see him too!"

I was MAD! The "If only's...." were out in full force and in those moments I HATED the feeling that my CP was the thing keeping me from my dream. I HATED my CP and I HATED that in so many ways, it forced my dependence on others. Thus, my facebook status that night. And let me tell ya, my friends circled the wagons and encouraged me and raised me up in a way that blew me away.

I was asked to swap days at the church office this week so I worked the next day. I was listening to KSBJ online (Yes, they're BACK ONLINE!) at my desk when Liz Jordan started her shift.

I feel I should stop here and tell you a little about Liz... I've mentioned her before. She's incredible! If you ever listen to her on KSBJ then you know...She's incredibly transparent and one of the most genuine people I know. She is the real deal. We have yet to meet in person but I really do consider her a friend...She's not just a DJ to me...We've talked. We've corresponded a lot! She's....She's one of those people that when God was creating her I have to wonder if *I* was on His mind. THAT'S how much God has used Liz in my life. And I can only think of a few people in my life where I've actually paused and had that thought about. Liz really is a "sister in Christ" to me. I just love her! And while I enjoy listening to KSBJ any time, I try and make a special effort to listen during Liz's shift. And with online listening being unavailable for awhile, I haven't really been able to listen as much so I was thrilled to be able to listen once again at work.

Anyway, I was listening when Liz started her shift and she always starts it off with prayer. As she prayed over the city of Houston, she said, "Lord, we just need to come before you and we need to tell you what we need and what is on our hearts...." That, right there, struck me. I didn't hear the rest of the prayer (Sorry, Liz).

It occurred to me that for SO long I think I've just been telling God what I thought He wanted to hear.... How He was so good and thanking Him for this and for that. And that's all great...We SHOULD do that, please don't get me wrong....PRAISE is GOOD! However, there were some things that I hadn't really brought before Him and just said, "Look Lord, this is how I REALLY feel about some stuff going on in my life....I don't like it!" Some things, up until the night BEFORE this prayer, I don't even think I really KNEW they were bothering me as much as they were until I just said, "I'm SO fed up!!" I think somewhere along the way I got this idea that God is God so we have no right to get angry at Him...And I learned this: He's big enough. He can handle it!

So, that night when I got home, God and I had a REAL heart to heart. I got real with what was on my heart, my desires, my wants, how I felt about a lot of things. Tears were shed, but let me tell ya...When all was said and done, I felt A LOT better! Now it feels like a whole new realm of conversation has open between God and myself because I've gotten real.

It's like for so long God and I have been talking, and He's been listening, of course, with careful attention. But He's God, He knows. So, while I've been talking He's been saying, "That's great and everything but how do you REALLY feel? TALK to me. Be honest. It's okay, I know already, just tell me....I'm going to adore you just as much...I promise!" And when I FINALLY did... He's saying to me.... "Now, doesn't that feel better?" Maybe THAT'S why I had to get SO angry the previous night...Where I basically threw my hands up and said shouted at God, He probably said, "NOW we're getting somewhere!"

While it's true God DOES know our wants and needs even before we say anything, He WANTS us to ask Him! (James 4:2). He LONGS to hear from us! Isn't that awesome?! That the Creator of the universe actually WANTS to talk...to US?! I understand that now in a fresh way and it makes me feel SO loved and safe! He will never tire of hearing our voice, we will never get on His nerves, and He's ALWAYS ready and willing to listen!

It didn't magically fix everything...I'm still irritated with my Dempsey Dream. I still feel like no matter how much I want it, I'm always two steps behind everyone else in terms of ever meeting him because of my physical limitations, BUT I'm no longer pretending it doesn't bother me when I talk with God...I may never tell anyone else how fed up I am, but I'll tell God...And hopefully I'll do so BEFORE I get quite as frustrated next time. ;)

So, the moral of the story: Be real with God. It's okay to be upset sometimes....Take it to God, unload your heart. He can handle it. And when you've gotten everything that you've held back out in the open, you will STILL be precious to Him. He will STILL love you like no other!