I just gotta be really honest with you guys. I know God created me the way he did for a reason, I KNOW this, and I know He has plans for me. And 90 percent of the time, the happy positive me comes from a very genuine place, I'm just not wired to be negative...It's just not me. I'm generally a VERY happy VERY hopeful person.
There are times however, when I wonder how different things would be if I had been born on time and able to walk.
Would I have gone to SFA instead of SHSU liked I had dreamed about and actually ENJOYED college instead of having the horrible experience I ended up with?
Would I have majored in sign language interp. like I wanted instead of having TRC (Texas Rehab. Commission) have to sign off on acceptable major/minors (and the two major changes I made while in college) and any other move I made while in college so they would pay my tuition.
Would I be in L.A. right now with a job I loved in the entertainment industry?
Would I be married? Would I have kids?
So much of my life I feel has been decided for me because of my disability. I do everything I can to try and make life easier for my family (especially my parents). I have the volunteer job at my church (which, again, I gotta be honest, I dread more and more each time I go for various reasons that could be another blog entry in itself). I KEEP my volunteer job because it keeps my parents off my back about getting a job because they are hopeful my volunteer position will turn into a paying position thus, giving me a "real" job. A job that would make THEM happy....Not me.
I still live in Huntsville because I can't drive so I can't move anywhere else. If I could, it would be to Houston. All my friends are in that area. Or L.A. so I could find that job!
I often think about how wonderful it would be to have someone special in my life. I have my doubts as to whether I'll EVER get married because, while I'm 29, most people think I'm 16 and most guys in my life see me as they're little sister (and the two guys in my life that actually FEEL like my brothers probably just humor me).
In short, I feel stuck. Stuck in a life that is not what I want. I want (and NEED) God to do a God thing and open some doors! There's GOT to be more ahead for me in this life than this right now!
Would you pray for me?
2 comments:
I'll pray for you, you can count on it!
oh, natalie.
i'm praying that by the time i've read this, that things are 100% better. i feel like i can relate on some small level w/ my back- as far as fear of not being able to live out your dreams goes. but i can only imagine the things you go through- you are so strong and such an encouragement.
i will be praying about the job situation. while i dont know everything thats going on there, this post did give me a little insight as to one more way i can be praying. i can relate to the pressure from parents thing, too. praying the Lord will provide for you in ways that bring you joy and satisfy them- for both me and you. ;)
i pray for you (and thank God for you) all the time.
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