The Dreaded Phone Call

To understand this post, you'll need to go here and read this first to get the back story (taken straight from my myspace blog). Those of you that know the situation can skip on down:

I wasn’t going to share any of this because really, re-living it is difficult but the past few days have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me and this weekend I’ve started to feel really isolated so perhaps sharing will help with that somewhat.

A few weeks ago, I had a meeting with the guy of the orginization that basically put me through college. Because of my disability, I met certain requirements that allowed them to pay my tuition on a semester by semester basis provided my GPA stayed at a 3.5 or above at the end of each semester. If it dipped any lower than that, my parents had to foot the entire semesters tuition. Needless to say, I worked by butt off so that wouldn’t happen.
When I first met this guy, he instantly rubbed me the wrong way. I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve met that I feel this way about. I tried to always correspond with his assistant if I ever needed something just so I WOULDN’T have to deal with him.

On our first meeting before I started college, he asked what I wanted to do...I told him teach the deaf. He told me they didn’t offer anything like that at my college and I needed to think of another major. I said general education then thinking in the back of my mind that I could at least get the core subjects out of the way at my hometown college and then transfer to SFA (a college about three hours away that DID offer the education I would need for sign language interp. training & certification). So, he goes to his computer and types my major into a little box, then asks for my minor....I was floored and panicked...I hadn’t even had a chance to figure out what I might be interested in...Remember, I wasn’t even IN college yet. So, I just told him English knowing that I loved to read and write and thought that might be a good fit.

He types that in and says now he needs some possible career choices that could go with those two choices...Everything I came up with brought no "matches" for a possible career later on & he said he had to have a "match" before he could fax the paper work for approval so they would be "approved" to pay my expenses. I don’t even know what I came up with that finally brought up a match but by the time I left there, I felt as though I was stuck with a major I wasn’t totally comfortable with.

This guy basically had control over my life during college. Every time I wanted to had a scheduling conflict (mainly being, I couldn’t get to a class due to the horrid inaccecible college campus) & had to drop a class and pick another one or whatnot, I had to get it approved by him, when I changed my major (twice) he had to approve it. I never did transfer becaucause by the time I was able to, I was already so far in that I would lose a ton of credits transfering so I stayed put and thank God I finally found a major with professors I loved that made staying put a tad more tolerable. I always felt the constant pressure of his control and add to that the constant pressure I felt to keep my grades and GPA above par which at times wasn’t easy at all. Is it any wonder those seven years were horrible for me? I was relieved when I graduated and thought his part in my life was over.

I got a call about three weeks after graduation from his office, his assistant told me they needed a copy of my diploma and my final grades for their files. She then asked what my plans were. I didn’t tell her I was leaning in a totally different direction than I had thought I would be...Believe me, when I started telling people I believed God had put on my heart a career in the entertainment world, only a select few of them didn’t totally look at me like I had four heads. So, I told her I was considering getting my sign language certification (which, at the time was the truth). She said that was great and to keep them posted. She asked if I needed any help finding a job and I told her I was really taking some time to figure out my next step. So I thought that was the end of it.


A few weeks ago, I get a letter in the mail from this guy’s office. He had taken it upon himself to schedule a meeting with me to "discuss my future plans." I burst into tears. Kimberly came runing into the room wondering what the heck was going on and I showed her the letter and just cried while she tried to convince me to cancel the meeting if it was that upsetting. I knew however that this guy would just reschedule it. A week later I go to the meeting...Praying constantly before that God just give me courage and strength to stand up for myself and my dreams that I feel God has given me. My poor Dempsey Ring got a workout.

Note: My dempsey ring is the thumb ring I wear on my right hand. One of the things people don’t know is that I don’t like to wear rings unless they have meaning...Otherwise, I feel like it’s just there to look pretty. So, all of the rings I wear DO have sentimental meaning behind them. All of them were given to me except my thumb ring...It’s a simple silver band with a band of gold in the middle. James Avery as is the rest of my rings. I fell in love with it the instant I saw it and bought it for myself. I noticed that whenever I was nervous or worried, I tend to finger it...touch it in some way or twist it around on my thumb. My thoughts also automatically swing to Patrick and I remember he’s been in my shoes and I am not alone. Patrick gave the ring meaning for me. I put it on daily and every time I look at it, think of him so I dubbed it my Dempsey ring and no longer feel bad about wearing it because it DOES have sentimental meaning now.

Sorry...That was a long aside, but felt the need to explain that.

Anyway, as we sat in his office he asked what I was up to and I told him "exploring my options" he asked if I had applied for a job anywhere, I told him yes. I had applied for a position at my church but found out that I hadn’t gotten the job a few days prior to our meeting. He asked where I was looking and then said what would I like to do as a career. I told him "PR work or advertising work for the entertainment industry in L.A." He laughed. And then said, "No, seriously, what do you want to do.?" I just looked at him and said, "I am serious." He said, "I can’t get you a job in L.A." I then said, "I didn’t ask you to get me a job in L.A." He then said, "Well, you just can’t sit around and do nothing, I’m going to set up a meeting with someone here that will help you find a job." I told him I wasn’t opposed to having a job but that I wasn’t going to have a job just for the sake of having a job....that if I was going to do it, I wanted to enjoy it. He said okay.

So he goes over to his computer and just like he did more than seven years ago now asks what I want to do...I almost said "I just told you and you laughed at me" but I swallowed that response and said advertising or PR work. He typed that into his little box and a list popped up he clicked on one and said that in order to get me into see this lady that was supposed to help me find a job he needed some idea of what to tell her and that all of this would be "approved" by not only HIS office but hers as well. He looked at me and said, "You’ve got the gift of gab...you’d make a top of the line receptionist." I just smiled not knowing whether or not to be offended by his "gift of gab" comment and said I’d rather not sit behind a desk all day unless I’m working on something that I’m passonate about. So he finishes filling out his little boxes and says that this lady should be in contact with me within a week once the paper work is approved. Before I left he told me, "I remember when I met you years ago you were so full of glitter and save the world....College took that right out of you, didn’t it?" I wanted to turn to him and say "Actually, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I understand why you wouldn’t recognize it!" But once again said a prayer and kept my mouth shut.

I had a meeting with this lady this past Wednesday. I had no idea where her office was but finally found it. The sign on the building says "Assistance for the mentally ill and retarted community. Whe n I read that on the building as I found her office, I wanted to throw up. Litterally, I thought I was going to be sick. It was then that I became even more grateful for Patrick’s story because I kept replaying some of his words in my head as I walked into the building and gave the receptionist my name. I sat down andf looked around...I felt like I was in a time warp back to my childhood days of being placed in that class with those mentally challenged kids. They were once again all around me. I wanted to scream....MY BRAIN WORKS!! MY LEGS DON’T! I just took a deep breath closed my eyes and Patrick’s face was there...I was not alone. I prayed for peace while I waited and thank God once again for Patrick and how God continued to use him as a reminder and source of encouragement.

I was called back fairly quickly. This lady is VERY nice. Much nicer than the guy I dealt with. We go back to her office and she says "I’m told you’re looking for a receptionist job." I froze. I then told her I wanted a career in advertising and she looked at me and said, well, we need to think in terms of what you can do physically and there’s a lot of runing around in that arena. I said if I found it worthwhile, I don’t mind the effort. She just smiled. She asked tons of questions writing down my answers as we went...What did I consider my strengths, weaknesses, could I multi task, was I go with computers, phones, etc.." then she asked at the end, "If we told you, you could have any job you wanted and you would be garanteed to GET the job all you had to do was show up, what would it be?" Without a moment’s hesitation I said, "I would be in L.A. doing promotional work for television, possibly a promotional assistant for Grey’s Anatomy and being the webmaster for Patrick Dempsey’s website and/or myspace page." She looked at me and said, wow you have big ambitions...Most people have to think about it for a few seconds!" I just smiled and said, "yes, I do have big ambitions." She smiled and said..."Dreams are nice." She was also amazed at how articulate I was. Once again I wanted to say...My brain works great!

Our next meeting which she said will take place sometime in April will be an all day thing...I will go get registered at the "work source" take a typing test, and work on my resume (which is pretty much nonexistent given the fact that I’ve never worked). She tells me there are lots of receptionist jobs out there and they will allow you to sit down and not be on your feet all the time. I know she was just doing her job but I wanted to tell her....I want a job I enjoy, not one Have to tolerate because of my disability.

I left there and barely was able to hang on until I got home, ran to my room and cried for two hours. Since then I have been slammed with doubt and hoplessness. I’m SO tired of having to put my dreams in a box (literally) and have them be "approved." I’ve been so excited ever since graduating that I was no longer under any one else’s thumb and could really dream and think "outside of the box." I’m so tired of people taking my dreams and twisting them to fit their perceptions of what THEY think I’m capable of. I beleive that L.A. is possible but everywhere I turn, people are telling me "no" to think realistically about my abilities. I can do so much more than people think! WHY do people look at me and because they see I’m limited physically assume I have mental problems as well? MY BRAIN WORKS!!!!!! I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!!!!

People look at me and have a hard time believing I’m 26. I don’t know what to do about that. I wear no make up aside from lip gloss, I could but that’s just not me and I’m really trying to stay true to myself. I’m short which also makes me look younger. I often worry that no one will ever take me seriously or that a guy may never be interested in me because I look 16 instead of 26. I’m told I’m "cute" or "adorable" more times than I’m told I’m beautiful. I think most guys I’ve ever been interested in never saw me as a romantic match but as a little sister. Which I guess isn’t too bad, I’ve got some great "brothers" I know I am beautiful....God only creates the best and I am his one of a kind creation. I know these doubts come from Satan and I’ve really been having to repeat some verses from the Bible so those thoughts don’t totally take root. I have to believe that I am enough just as I am.

Since the meeting, I have been begging God to move. Make a way where there seems to be no way (cause right now, in the natural, there seems to be no way) but I know I serve a God who is Master at makikng the impossible, possible and I am really trying to hang on to the belief I felt so strongly only a few weeks ago that He WAS making a way. I’m shaken now but have hope that He put that dream in my heart and He WILL provide a way...
And God smiles....I’ve heard more Mazda commercials with Patrick’s voice overs the past few days then I think I ever have. I turn on the t.v. and there’s his voice...God smiles. God gives me Patrick. God gives me hope.

I normally don’t ask this nor do I admit usually how badly I am struggling, but here I am...Struggling. Emotionally, mentally (trying to keep my self esteem up and not believe lies), spiritually (wondering if I am just crazy and have been believing the wrong thing the entire time).

Just pray. And then believe with me. Thank you all so much!

Please forgive typos, punctuation, etc...It took me forever to get all this down and it is now almost 2 am.

Love to all!


Now that everyone is caught up.....

I was out of the house all day today and a message was waiting on my answering machine when we arrived home tonight. The "nice lady" I mentioned (we will call her "L" in future posts) called to let me know she had scheduled me to meet her at the "work source center" Friday morning. Fortunately for me (thank you, Lord) I can't make it and it looks as though I won't be availabe to do it for the next two weeks.

I called "L" and left a message on her voicemail at work telling her all of this and told her I would let her know when I was free to do it. I have a feeling I'll get a call from her again tomorrow.

Oddly enough, the reason I was out today was to go gather some information on promotional work along with information on webpage design...If I want a chance at doing promotional work in L.A. eventually, I better start getting some information so that when the chance comes (and IT WILL COME) I will be ready! I just find it very strange that after almost a month of hearing nothing from "L" I hear from her on the day I'm really taking steps to pursue my dream. God is up to something, just not sure what.

I've been praying for God to intervene and make a way where this next "meeting" wouldn't even be needed. I don't believe in coincidences, I have to believe it is His doing that is what is causing me to not be available Friday, I have to believe He is at work on my behalf in this situation right this very minute!

I'll keep you all posted....